The musings of a lunatic

Text 25 Nov 1 note

Lean on me, when you’re not strong.
And I’ll be your friend.
I’ll help you carry on.
For it won’t be long.
‘Til I’m gonna need.
Somebody to lean on.

Text 20 Jun Sometimes…

Sometimes the idea of not being is the most favorable of all…

Text 1 Jun mediocre thoughts

Pretty girl sitting across the room from me..

Can I sit with you?

I don’t even have to talk or say anything to you

or I can

and probably say something stupid

that could accidentally offend you

or creep you out

i’m not a weirdo

in fact, I’m a pretty cool guy

if I could just talk

to you.

but if not talking sounds creepy to you

i could put these words into action

i would just have a regular conversation with you

just two people

experiencing each other

for the first time

and i will smile

and you might smile

and i will have that moment in my mind forever

as the day

i had the courage

to speak

not when spoken to.

But this won’t happen

becuase i don’t haver the guts to

even look in your direction

more than once

just to understand the opportunity

that i’m missing.

And i’ll never see you again..

and i will never know you..

chances lost

chances lost…

never acting…

such is life i suppose.

Text 1 Jun 1 note A wise man once told me..

“The true poet has no choice of material. The material plainly chooses him, not he it”

- Buddy Glass/J D Salinger

Text 14 Apr /

The preoccupation of my impending failure

overtakes every thought in my mind currently

sadly

I wish i could stop the train wreck i saw coming from miles away

yet i didn’t

couldn’t

like life was moving before my eyes

and i was

disconnected

and i was depressed

and i was enamored

with the thought

of the end

that all i saw

was

an end

and i never broke my gaze

because if i did

what other future could be there for me

life seems so limited

to me

for me

that i couldn’t see

the crash

boom

bang

went the things in my mind

and

all i could hear was that silence

that loud, painful

deafening

silence

and it was just there

and it was just….

there.

Text 6 Apr just shit

The days I’m alone are when I’m the safest

There’s no one else to hurt me

But me

And usually,

I’m ok with that you see

Because generally

I’m better off alone

And this depression will be the end of me

I can feel it

And this loneliness is just a remedy

To the life I live

What a fallacy

To think of what a good person I could be

When I’m not and I can feel it

And I intentionally

Let my fingers slide over the trigger,

Caress the line between life and death

Because they say that strong genes are hereditary

But what happened to me?

When they say that mental weakness is for the meager

To hide themselves

Until the day that they can take the lives that they’ve wasted

And meet their creator

And they’ll meet sadly

With nothing to report other than the fallacy

They called life

Because they were the weak ones,

And they were the hated ones

And they were the faithless ones

Not by choice

But because they couldn’t let themselves get closer

To the light

Because they had doubt in their hearts

And it led them astray

What a travesty.

Text 5 Apr shit sucks

It seems like this glowing screen in front of me is my only friend

These days..

I wish I could feel

I wish I could feel more than sad on good days

And utterly hopelessly alone on the bad ones

I wish I had a girl to break my heart

Well there was that one,

That one still in my mind

For some stupid, idiotic reason,

I should have forgotten her years ago

Moved on with my life

But on the days I don’t find myself reminding my memory of what she looks like

-still beautiful as ever-

The world around me

And the things I’m connected to

Keep reminding me

Of her

And as much as I don’t want her in my mind anymore

I do…

And this is my fault

For obsessing over something I’ll never have

Its probably not to healthy

But I’m going to let it kill me

Because its all I have left of her

And I’m not ok with that

I should be rid of her

But I can’t.

Maybe it’s the closure that I so desperately need

Things weren’t left on a good note

And that’s probably what I’m needing

For my sanity

I need to be rid of this

I guess I don’t even really want her per se…

More so the closure that one final conversation would have I suppose.

I guess this summer would be a good time to at least attempt

Or to think about attempting…

I’ll probably bitch our like I normally do

But then I’ll never get that closure that my sanity so desperately needs.

She changed who I was

I used to care about things

More so than I do now.

And with all this other shit going on,

I can’t help but feel…

Well what do you feel when you’re essentially disconnected from large amounts of reality?

Nothing

Absolutely nothing.

And I have the nerve to offer my help to people around me for their problems

Problems that I wish I could experience.

Even the pain,

Especially the pain.

-How selfish-

Because lately, the only pain I’ve been feeling,

Is the crushing loneliness

That that holds me back,

Pins me to the ground,

As my missed opportunities,

Gloriously high dreams never achieved

My self worth

Gather around me,

And pound me into the dirt.

Because I can’t get any lower than this

So they keep kicking me

Punching me

And mock me,

And taunt me

And I can do nothing but scream out in pain that isn’t physically there

Because I feel nothing

Nothing,

Nothing.

Text 29 Mar Shit

This crippling loneliness is my only friend,

On this long, unforgiving road they call,

Life.

One day after the next,

The hours get shorter,

And shorter,

and shorter-

As I unflinchingly progress,

Towards my utter destruction.

I know its there,

I want to change my path,

But I can’t.

What a terrible “friend” you are.

Always leaving me to my thoughts.

I spend more time inside my head.

Instead of out of it.

And I blame you.

I hate you.

I hate everything you’ve become.

You were such a good…

…Were you ever good?

Ehhh……. I don’t think you were ever good…

But what do I know?

I’m only in your mind all the damn time.

How did you become what you are?

Just a bad seed from the beginning?

Or some thing must’ve made you that way..

Doubt it.

You were like this from the beginning,

You deserve this horrible, painful, crippling lonliness.

Your life’s purpose is to repel people.

They’ve been pointing it out for a long time,

It’s terrible that you’re only coming to this realization now..

Attracting girls..

…heh…

That’s a good one.

I’m surprised they don’t vomit on sight of you…

Maybe they do, just mentally.

And then judge you,

And then laugh at you,

And then mock you,

And then laugh at you,

And then laugh,

And then laugh.

And they’re probably right.

They’ve been telling you your whole life right?

You’re a piece of shit.

Why even bother?

Not worthy of a glancing look.

That’s why you can’t even bring yourself to so much as look at a girl in close proximity…

Pitiful.

Absolutely pitiful.

I’m still amazed you’ve still only now realized this.

It’s so damned obvious.

No friends either. Heh.

How could you attract a girl much less anyone even remotely like-minded

To you.

You, you are one in a million…

Thank God for that.

Let’s keep it that way.

You deserve nothing that you’ve got.

He’s always mocking you.

With everything around you.

Gotta love his sense of humor..

Always right on the money.

Always.

Text 16 Feb Letting go…

She said,

Baby, don’t let go of the light,

It’ll keep you safe when I’m not there to protect you.

Warm when I’m not there to

Hug you.

Ill always be with you.

With you,

With you-

How could you leave me?

Why would you leave me?

What would I do without you?

How can I survive without you?

Always there,

Waiting to console me from the demons that lie

in wait outside this home.